The other day was my birthday. As a gift, I received a lottery ticket.
I have never played the lottery – never bought a single ticket – not once in my newly minted 27 years.
You know how you have different personalities? One built up to deal with work, another for the gym, different masks, hats, layers …
The Megamillion, in this case 250 million dollars, triggered my default personality. The real Sarah. Will the real Sarah Lehat please stand up? Well. She did. In my head. While I imagined what I would do with all that money … which kinda looked something like this … me flying off to distant countries, building schools, transforming communities, empowering adults and children with the tools for change . Gosh. It felt like breathing the cleanest freshest Brand New World Air. Like living inside all my other personalities had buried the real me underground.
If we could give it a name – this clandestine ego – it might be The Giver.
Or we could just call it what it is. My God complex. I always want to be the one to give. The source of blessing. Never needing anything from anyone. Conceiving ideas, executing, delegating, building. No wonder Architecture was my natural choice of major.
And yet. 250 million dollars didn’t stop at Giver God complex scenarios. It kept on going, propelled by less grandiose but more tranquilizing fantasies, all geared towards easing the anxious symptoms of survival.
Meet my alter ego.
The Receiver. The Borrower. The Taker. The one who lives closer to the surface, too close for his G-d Giver counterpart’s comfort, called upon to accommodate unexpected, every-one-one-too-many eventualities.
Which brings to mind another complex of mine.
But we can talk about that some other time.